The Heat is On

What I have been waiting for has finally arrived in Roma, the heart is on! I thought it would never get beach weather appropriate here  but  where the locals were right. When the heat comes, it burns.  Just think of Florida humid weather with Las Vegas heat and put them together.  This makes it very unpleasant to walk throughout the city. I don't know how the tourists manage to make it here every summer, like having a heat stroke is the best time of year to go see some sights.  But not to far from the city center, through a metro and a 30 minute train ride you can arrive at Ostia Lido beach  and be a beach bum like myself.

 When first arriving to the beach, I was a bit confused and frustrated. There was no way of entering the beach. There are several beach clubs and storage facilities that require a fee. I walked up and down and thought I'm here but I can't get to the freakin beach. I found a restaurant and beach access which required a fee but at this point I didn't mind. I just wanted to get my toes in the sand. 4 Euros will get you on the sand and a clean restroom facility. I chose the beach next to the free pier where on calm ocean days they also have two soccer nets out in the water for the football fanatics.  The paid beaches are kept clean and peace and quiet is here. The lifeguards swoosh away the bangladesh self entrepreneurs selling coconuts or bracelets and watch after any stragglers trying to sneak in to the private beach. I felt safe leaving behind a towel and cooler but I would not recommend leaving much more than that alone.

 There are nice storage facilities where old people store their chairs, floaties for grandchildren and sit outside playing cards enjoying the good life. I left like I was back in the 70s. There is even a small football/soccer field to play in each private beach. Its quite nice compared to the public beach I found taking a long stroll along the ocean. Here, the restrooms are potter potties, yuck and the beach is packed. Sure it makes for good eye candy but unlike my beach at home, I like to be away from as many people as possible since getting peace and quiet in the city is impossible. 

One thing I don't understand about the Italian beach culture is the need to still wear banana hammocks aka speedos especially the young chaps. Ok the old man you can't change their ways but the young tall fit men, I mean come on give a girl a little mystery of what may come. They are even daring to wear  a white speedo. No matter what, a speedo will never be sexier than a far too lowered board shorts showing those abs and hip flexors. Yum!  I can't wait to see that when I get back home.  But still the italians insist on their macho ways thinking let me bend over or lift my leg where a hairy ball just might peak or slip out. Now imagine a 60-70 year old man....now that's sexy Italia!

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Distance really puts things in perspective. I finished posting pictures on my personal page of adventures me and my boyfriend had when he visited me in Italy. But here is the thing, social media, TV, our constant need to pry and look into people's lives makes it seem everyone is having a fantastic life. I posted pictures of our trip, well when we were together. No one who didn't know wouldn't believe that when posting those pictures I was crying inside because that man was no longer mine. In reality, he was never mine. 

I spent two years in denial and hurting myself because well like everyone else I have mommy and daddy issues. I fight so hard to make relationships work because I have everything in the world I could want but the one thing, someone to love, has always been missing or incomplete in my life. The distance, as much as he would like to blame it, was not the reason for our falling out. I left behind my boyfriend because there was an end of a tunnel, a time stamp for my return and he gave me his blessing to go. I gave the option to take a break but he said he wanted to keep it going.  Less than a month in, he was already trying to score dates and flirting with other women discussing our relationship and God only knows the truth. I was betrayed, humiliated and disrespected from the person who gave me his blessing to go. But the fact is, that this wasn't the first time I was betrayed by this man. But it was going to be one of the last times.

What hurts the most is my denial and the constant excuses I told myself for his behavior over the past two years. I have done this before, blaming myself for the lies and actions of a man and here I was again, crying how did I let this happen to me again. He told me his first lie on our very first date, how his car was in the shop because he owed money that wasn't really owed. I learned couple weeks later he never had a car. Such a stupid lie but still on our first date he lied. He said he wasn't a liar because he is terrible at lying. Well that has some truth to it, because he is a terrible liar.  All the lies he told were unnecessary and assumptions that I would be mad if the truth would be told. One of the biggest cycles of fights is "I'm mad because you lied."  We continued to date despite his lies and several months into the relationship, in which he WANTED the relationship in the first place, I caught him on dating websites and flirting with more women than I can count on social media. When I mean flirting, I mean things that would make you sick to your stomach flirting.  I cried for the first time in the relationship and he lied once again but gave me confidence with actions to repair the damage he had done. I said to myself prior to any relationship that if a man betrayed me I would walk away because once it has been done history tends to repeat itself. But here I was making an excuse for his actions because he said he didn't "know" where we stood, yet we saw each other several days of the week consistently for over five months. But I blamed myself thinking maybe I didn't spell it out for him.  Three months later when we had a week of a rut, he betrayed me again. This excuse was "we were fighting" and in some sick way I forgave him because he didn't know where the relationship was going to go because we were "fighting."

Now I am a smart woman but I can be so stupid when it comes to my heart. Time went on and there were several fantastic moments in our relationship but I didn't know then that the damage was done. My frustration with him grew, with every lie, every disrespectful move. He would constantly curse, arrive late all the time,  make me wait for him when I picked him up because like I said, he didn't have a car. Hell, he couldn't drive! My first birthday came around and Christmas and basically gave me nothing. I eventually got a bike a week later after another discussion about his selfishness and thoughtless self.  I planned romantic dinners, Valentine's day and exciting dates to keep a relationship alive. I reminded him to call family and forgive those who have hurt him. I tried to become one family, inviting him to mine but we were always distant from his.   I invited him to my friends and we never saw any of his. I helped him manage his life affairs, bills, dog and debt. I wanted to see him grow into a full adult because I saw beneath the eyes a man I could love instead of seeing that I should be in love for the man he is now. But how could I accept a boy because there was no man in front of me.

I am proud of myself for who I am today. I have never lied to him and had always tried my best to be a person that I would want to date. Before the year ended last year, my birthday and Christmas came up. I had family in town and I was happy. The man I was with told me he loved me. Then five days later fails to get me anything for my birthday, sleeps in while I set up for my birthday with the heavy loads. Several days later before New Years,  I almost left him because once again his lies turned on him crashing down on him with his life turning upside down. I stuck it through, standing by him, not gracefully at times but I was there. He said he "woke up" because he learned a hard lesson of life. I believed him once again. We are at times so fixated to believe that we forget that the most important part of believe is the LIE in between we tell ourselves.  I left to go to Roma a month later. I asked to repair the relationship before I left but he had no motivation to do so, as I drove him around helping him build his new home hoping for the best.

So month into our long distance relationship he is searching for women, flirting, lying and betraying me because we were "fighting." We fought constantly because his selfish ways only had himself in mind while I was fighting for us, he was not. He forgot to call stated he was busy and I waited up late just to hear his voice while he slept in and forgot to call.   While I reached out to God, he reached out to other women. I humiliated myself  and became weak again to someone who didn't love me the right way.  He managed to buy a ticket and take a trip to visit me to see where the relationship was. I just wanted to see him so I too could see how I would feel.  The day he arrived we both felt like the first few weeks of our relationship, butterflies and all. The following morning I saw a message to him from a female " I thought you were over her, so now you're there and what going to break up with her when she gets back." I felt a sudden calmness to me which alarmed him when he viewed what I have viewed. I was going to give him a great birthday, a memorable trip and we could say our good byes. I was out of tears, my soul was crushed and my heart couldn't beat anymore for this man. He cried for the first time to me and said how he felt about seeing me again and cannot imagine life without me. Once again, I forgave him. I gave him the best birthday he had, we had laughs, dinners and an unforgettably time with each other but his return to the States brought him back to who he really was within a week. A person I would never want to be.

Roller coasters are suppose to thrill,  which one heart stops or skips a beat. Roller coasters in relationships are anything but that. And I had my last ride over a week ago. I do not regret living in Roma because the distance between me and the other side has given me the view I have always wanted. That there is something better for me out there. For the first time in my life, I believe I am a good person. God brought me a man I could believe in when I lost all hope in men. I believed in God again because of him because the small moments of love he showed me and the kindness he brought to me told me it gets better and I am close to finding something real. I though God gave me him so I can finally have trust in someone, to give the love I have to someone who will love me back.  And he lied and betrayed me as I was loyal and honest. But I still believe in God even though he could have broken my spirit, because I now know God puts people in our lives to give us a lesson, to see something in ourselves we didn't see before. God put him in my life to teach me a lesson and I was his.   Women tend to forget what most men know, is that there is plenty of fish in the sea and as my journey almost comes to an end, I will be crossing the Atlantic Ocean once again looking down at the world beneath me and seeing all the fish in the sea.

Forza Roma!

On a particular Sunday, I was offered to go to a football game aka soccer for the Americanos. Game is AC Roma vs. Napoli.  You can purchase tickets at particular tobacco shops. One must bring a passport because apparently if you're an Italian you couldn't purchase the particular tickets me and my friends were getting. Odd yes but that will be explained later.

So the stadium is quite a journey to get to. Metro and tram later you arrive. You can just follow the ugly FSU like colors, red and goldish. Apparently, Italia, in the one thing they want to follow the rules by is of course the football games. They take this shit seriously.  When you purchase a ticket, they print your name on it, which they check at the gate not once but twice. So sneaking in booze isn't that difficult but it takes a technique of stern face and a quick step pass the guards. Got through the first gate, awesome. But wait, there is ANOTHER gate where they check your ticket again right before entering the stadium and there of course a woman stops to check my bag, as I rushed to hide the bottles in my bag as they wanted to check my passport and ticket AGAIN but luckily my two friends slid right by as I was the decoy getting caught.











So entering the stadium, it isn't as full as expected but the Italians HERE like to have some organization. The visiting team is out in the nosebleeders separated from any nearby Romans. I noticed that me and my friends were placed in almost the gringos section as my surroundings were filled with Americans and other Eurotrash (jk) and a small group of calm italians.   The center field sections seem to have families and nonnos as no one stood the whole time or any flags waving.

                                                             

    

The two goal sections were filled with Italian men who had too much to drink and entirely oversized flags who would piss off the typical American Football fan from obstructing his view. The scoreboard only shows that, the scoreboard so don't take your eye off the ball or you might miss the one and only goal. 

Lucky for me, Roma won and I got to hear Grazie Roma song the stadium sings.  I also got to see a storm of police army surrounding the premises and especially surrounding the Napoli fans.  It was like a riot was going to start but unlucky me no riot started. I always like a good fight between drunken men and police with mase.