Distance really puts things in perspective. I finished posting pictures on my personal page of adventures me and my boyfriend had when he visited me in Italy. But here is the thing, social media, TV, our constant need to pry and look into people's lives makes it seem everyone is having a fantastic life. I posted pictures of our trip, well when we were together. No one who didn't know wouldn't believe that when posting those pictures I was crying inside because that man was no longer mine. In reality, he was never mine.
I spent two years in denial and hurting myself because well like everyone else I have mommy and daddy issues. I fight so hard to make relationships work because I have everything in the world I could want but the one thing, someone to love, has always been missing or incomplete in my life. The distance, as much as he would like to blame it, was not the reason for our falling out. I left behind my boyfriend because there was an end of a tunnel, a time stamp for my return and he gave me his blessing to go. I gave the option to take a break but he said he wanted to keep it going. Less than a month in, he was already trying to score dates and flirting with other women discussing our relationship and God only knows the truth. I was betrayed, humiliated and disrespected from the person who gave me his blessing to go. But the fact is, that this wasn't the first time I was betrayed by this man. But it was going to be one of the last times.
What hurts the most is my denial and the constant excuses I told myself for his behavior over the past two years. I have done this before, blaming myself for the lies and actions of a man and here I was again, crying how did I let this happen to me again. He told me his first lie on our very first date, how his car was in the shop because he owed money that wasn't really owed. I learned couple weeks later he never had a car. Such a stupid lie but still on our first date he lied. He said he wasn't a liar because he is terrible at lying. Well that has some truth to it, because he is a terrible liar. All the lies he told were unnecessary and assumptions that I would be mad if the truth would be told. One of the biggest cycles of fights is "I'm mad because you lied." We continued to date despite his lies and several months into the relationship, in which he WANTED the relationship in the first place, I caught him on dating websites and flirting with more women than I can count on social media. When I mean flirting, I mean things that would make you sick to your stomach flirting. I cried for the first time in the relationship and he lied once again but gave me confidence with actions to repair the damage he had done. I said to myself prior to any relationship that if a man betrayed me I would walk away because once it has been done history tends to repeat itself. But here I was making an excuse for his actions because he said he didn't "know" where we stood, yet we saw each other several days of the week consistently for over five months. But I blamed myself thinking maybe I didn't spell it out for him. Three months later when we had a week of a rut, he betrayed me again. This excuse was "we were fighting" and in some sick way I forgave him because he didn't know where the relationship was going to go because we were "fighting."
Now I am a smart woman but I can be so stupid when it comes to my heart. Time went on and there were several fantastic moments in our relationship but I didn't know then that the damage was done. My frustration with him grew, with every lie, every disrespectful move. He would constantly curse, arrive late all the time, make me wait for him when I picked him up because like I said, he didn't have a car. Hell, he couldn't drive! My first birthday came around and Christmas and basically gave me nothing. I eventually got a bike a week later after another discussion about his selfishness and thoughtless self. I planned romantic dinners, Valentine's day and exciting dates to keep a relationship alive. I reminded him to call family and forgive those who have hurt him. I tried to become one family, inviting him to mine but we were always distant from his. I invited him to my friends and we never saw any of his. I helped him manage his life affairs, bills, dog and debt. I wanted to see him grow into a full adult because I saw beneath the eyes a man I could love instead of seeing that I should be in love for the man he is now. But how could I accept a boy because there was no man in front of me.
I am proud of myself for who I am today. I have never lied to him and had always tried my best to be a person that I would want to date. Before the year ended last year, my birthday and Christmas came up. I had family in town and I was happy. The man I was with told me he loved me. Then five days later fails to get me anything for my birthday, sleeps in while I set up for my birthday with the heavy loads. Several days later before New Years, I almost left him because once again his lies turned on him crashing down on him with his life turning upside down. I stuck it through, standing by him, not gracefully at times but I was there. He said he "woke up" because he learned a hard lesson of life. I believed him once again. We are at times so fixated to believe that we forget that the most important part of believe is the LIE in between we tell ourselves. I left to go to Roma a month later. I asked to repair the relationship before I left but he had no motivation to do so, as I drove him around helping him build his new home hoping for the best.
So month into our long distance relationship he is searching for women, flirting, lying and betraying me because we were "fighting." We fought constantly because his selfish ways only had himself in mind while I was fighting for us, he was not. He forgot to call stated he was busy and I waited up late just to hear his voice while he slept in and forgot to call. While I reached out to God, he reached out to other women. I humiliated myself and became weak again to someone who didn't love me the right way. He managed to buy a ticket and take a trip to visit me to see where the relationship was. I just wanted to see him so I too could see how I would feel. The day he arrived we both felt like the first few weeks of our relationship, butterflies and all. The following morning I saw a message to him from a female " I thought you were over her, so now you're there and what going to break up with her when she gets back." I felt a sudden calmness to me which alarmed him when he viewed what I have viewed. I was going to give him a great birthday, a memorable trip and we could say our good byes. I was out of tears, my soul was crushed and my heart couldn't beat anymore for this man. He cried for the first time to me and said how he felt about seeing me again and cannot imagine life without me. Once again, I forgave him. I gave him the best birthday he had, we had laughs, dinners and an unforgettably time with each other but his return to the States brought him back to who he really was within a week. A person I would never want to be.
Roller coasters are suppose to thrill, which one heart stops or skips a beat. Roller coasters in relationships are anything but that. And I had my last ride over a week ago. I do not regret living in Roma because the distance between me and the other side has given me the view I have always wanted. That there is something better for me out there. For the first time in my life, I believe I am a good person. God brought me a man I could believe in when I lost all hope in men. I believed in God again because of him because the small moments of love he showed me and the kindness he brought to me told me it gets better and I am close to finding something real. I though God gave me him so I can finally have trust in someone, to give the love I have to someone who will love me back. And he lied and betrayed me as I was loyal and honest. But I still believe in God even though he could have broken my spirit, because I now know God puts people in our lives to give us a lesson, to see something in ourselves we didn't see before. God put him in my life to teach me a lesson and I was his. Women tend to forget what most men know, is that there is plenty of fish in the sea and as my journey almost comes to an end, I will be crossing the Atlantic Ocean once again looking down at the world beneath me and seeing all the fish in the sea.
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